I went to the dentist yesterday....after avoiding him for three years. As I sat in the chair, my back tensing with each swift scrape of the hygienist's pick, I told myself, "This will be over soon. You'll feel better in an hour."

But my gums had different plans. Severely provoked, they swelled and throbbed for the rest of the day.

My bagel with cream cheese? Forget about it. The chewy exterior of that golden round was not meant for sore gums or teeth.

Instead, I spent the morning sucking on ice-cubes, hoping that the solid cold would alleviate the pain enough for me to eat.

Because I eat a lot. Especially during a long work day.

So after hours of throbbing teeth, I made my second mistake , I went to Wal-Mart.

Now why would I go to Wal-Mart? That florescent-lit mega-gym I so consistently avoid? Because I wanted to buy an electric toothbrush, and after spending 200 dollars at the dentist, I wanted a good price.

Fast-forward one hour, and I'm leaving Wal-Mart without an electric toothbrush (I guess everyone visited the dentist that day) and also without my credit card. After frantically searching my car, calling Wal-mart, and driving around the parking lot twice, I resign. The card is gone.

By the time I reach home, I am in tears.

The day held too much.

And then I thought about these past three years...all the trials we've faced...all the lives we've lost. Just as yesterday, the throbbing pain of my sore gums and teeth made me susceptible to an emotional breakdown, so too, have these tragedies left me in a fragile and sometimes emotionally volatile place.

My sweet Grammy, who taught me to bake, is now seriously ill with a rare kidney disease. The prognosis isn't great, and I've been to Houston twice since Mike's funeral.

This is all too much! I want to shout to the sky. Visions of curling up into a small gray ball fill my mind.

But then I remember how to make it through these days. By walking through the neighborhood and stopping in front of  the tree that blossoms pink each Spring. By waking up and making waffles with Ryan. Waffles that are full of the stuff that makes our bodies thrive--whole grains, flaxseed, fresh fruit. By ordering a cup of coffee and a croissant and allowing myself to sit and read and not be anything but present. This is what I do, and this is how we keep going amidst such loss.

So if you're feeling anything like I've been feeling these past few weeks, take some time to make a batch of waffles or go on a walk with a friend. Do the things that soothe your soul....and go to the dentist, please, your gums and teeth will thank you. 

Whole-Grain Flaxseed Waffles
1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
1/4 cup flaxseed meal (ground flaxseed)
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 TBSP sugar
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 3/4 cup milk (I used soy, but any milk will work)
1/2 cup applesauce
2 TBSP vegetable oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Prepare your waffle iron by turning it on high and spraying with oil.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together whole wheat flour, flaxseed meal, baking powder, salt, and sugar. In another bowl, whisk together eggs, milk, applesauce, vegetable oil and vanilla extract. Gently fold wet ingredients into dry ingredients. Stir until smooth.

3. Pour 3/4 cup of batter into your waffle maker. I pour by swirling the batter in a large circle. Be sure to follow the specifications for your specific waffle-maker because batter size and technique vary.

4. Allow to cook for 4-6 minutes or until golden and slightly crunchy. Serve with fresh fruit and maple syrup.

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

Ryan and I have been watching Downton Abbey.

For those of you still missing out: Downton Abbey is a delightful British drama that follows the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants during the early part of the 20th century.

As a girl who reads Victorian novels for fun, Downton Abbey is a delectable gift.

It has encouraged me to start spending more than 2 minutes with my hair in the morning. I take long strands, twist them into loose knots, pin them to the back of my head, and walk out of our bathroom feeling a smudge more aristocratic.

And the series has made me long for multi-course dinners. Since when did soup and bread become the bulk of a meal and not a necessary precursor to a platter of roasted vegetables and meat?

But perhaps most importantly (at least for this blog), Downton Abbey has lead to the resurrection of tea time.

A platter of cookies, a strong pot of tea, and the conversation of friends (or long-dead authors) has been a necessary morale booster.

I'd encourage you to watch the show...and eat these cookies.  

These chewy coconut cookies are far different from the buttery shortbreads served during the reign of King George V.

But because I'm American, I rebelled.

So although the inspiration for tea hour came from images of times past, I've added my own twist to the practice.

These cookies are large and soft, and the flecks of coconut add an extra layer of flavor and  chew.

So good these chewy coconut cookies, I almost wished I could have had them for breakfast instead of the wheat flax waffles I cooked up (yes, that is saying something).

Let me know your favorite tea time treat (because if this becomes a habit...I need to expand my cookie and cake horizon). And watch the show. You'll like it. 

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/3 cups flaked coconut

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl, set aside.

2. In a bowl fitted for your stand mixer, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth and creamy (about 3-4 minutes on medium-high speed). Beat in the egg and vanilla until light and fluffy.

3. Gradually stir  in the flour mixture (on low or with a big wooden spoon), then mix in the flaked coconut.

4. Drop dough by large tablespoons  onto prepared cookie sheet. Cookies should be about 3 inches apart.

5. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until just golden. Cool on wire racks and then enjoy.

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

Stress and it's many manifestations have been displayed in my life over the past few years.

Anxiety.

Emotional Withdraw.

Spiritual shut-down.

And for months, I've walked with these shrouds over my shoulders--so heavy that they slowed my pace, even pulled me to the ground, restricting my forward movement to crawling.

And I've undoubtedly learned of the thick connection between these heavy emotions and our physical bodies. When we feel threatened, when our stress levels rise, our bodies change.

Our blood vessels constrict, our non-essential systems (digestive, immune, reproductive) shut-down. We become hyper-aware of our surroundings, perceiving danger behind every corner, our hearts racing with the fear of the unknown.

With increased levels cortisol pumping through our blood, we become susceptible to all sorts of genetically predisposed illnesses. Diseases in our family lineage become personal realities due to the stress coursing through our veins.

Simply put: our stress and anxiety destroys us.


What enters our life (the small and large tragedies) are often out of our control.

But we do have power to transform what comes our way.

We can take external circumstances and transform them into stress and anxiety.

Or we can take external circumstances and transform them into healing.

I'm (finally) choosing the latter.

For me, this means long walks. Still moments during the earliest part of my day.

It means petting my cat when I could be working. Taking long naps on weekend afternoons just because there is an open bed and my body needs the extra time to repair and heal.

Healing means talking to my sisters, to my mother, to my husband, to my father. Putting relationships before this constant pressure to perform.

And like this tree, bare and exposed, there are blooms starting to blossom. I can see them, I can feel them, and I know, soon, they will be open for the world to see.

Do what you can to embrace what is around you (good and bad) and transform it into something that will bring more peace and grace into this world. We are all trees ready to blossom. There are blooms everywhere, if you take the time to see. 

1. Sleeping with Ryan. Every night I fall asleep next to Ryan feeling blessed to have married my best friend.

2. Mornings with Cricket. She curls up in my lap as I sip on a cup of tea.

3. Phone calls with my father. How he answers with, "Hey, kid!" and always says I love you before saying goodbye.

4. Laughter with Susanne. We laugh so hard (at Halley's acrobatic jumps, at cheesy comedians, at the insanity that is our lives right now).

5. Letters between friends. I have friends all across the country that write me letters...and I write them back...and now sheets of stamps sit on my desk.

6. Dancing with Noelle. We crank the music, let down our hair, and dance to music I'm to embarrassed to mention here.

7. Sweet words from my mother. She knows how to speak to my heart, and she does, week after week, day after day.

8. Grammy's brownies. They taste better than anything I ever will make. I believe it's due to the ounces of love only Lucy Babbitt knows how to stir into her bowl.

9. My Aunt Sharon's eyes. They remind me of my mother's, and I want to be as generous and beautiful as they both are when I'm their age.

10. My mother-in-law's tears. Her heart is as big as the state of Texas, and she breaks for all who hurt...and God knows we've needed sympathetic ears this year.

11. Scoops of ice-cream. Did I mention how much I enjoyed my Cookie Sandwich icecream from Amy's on Friday night?

12. Messages from friends. Thank you, everyone of you, who has written me an email or a message during these hard times. They mean more than you know.

13. Writing. Putting words to paper. Doing it day in and day out.

14. French Poundcake. Because poundcake reminds me of my childhood. We ate strawberries and poundcake on every major holiday. I'm happy to say I'll be doing it this year too.

My grandparents were archivists. They took and kept hundreds of hours of video footage--back in the day when home video cameras were an anomaly.

Born in the 1930s and 40s, Lucy and Larry fell in love before they turned twenty.

And just a few months ago, they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary.

After my family ( sister, mom, aunt, cousins, and of course, the star couple) ate cake, we watched them dance across the TV screen. We saw them laugh, we watched them hang lights for Christmas. I saw my mother, only seven or eight years old, peek around a corner in her house, wearing a wide grin that I now recognize in my younger sister.

In one of the later clips, I enter into the recorded catalog.

My Grammy presides over her domain--the kitchen--as she gently instructs my 3-year-old self to carefully cut into a patted round of biscuit dough.

With focus, I take the biscuit cutter and press the sharp metal into the dough, shaking my head from side-to-side until I pull a round disc up and place it on a baking sheet. My Grammy smiles, her voice is warm like a bowl of creamy soup, and I smile with satisfaction after the last one is laid to rest.

Most people either love or hate Valentine's Day.

I fall into the former category.

My mom and grandparents spoiled my sisters each February 14th.

We would wake to white baskets brimming with candies and other pink treats.

And then we'd feast on plates of strawberries, shortcake, and ice-cream.

We were the girls who brought homemade Valentine's to class.

And then, of course, I married my husband, who does a pretty good job of spoiling me too.

But this year, is a sad year. So many lives changed. So many routines altered.

I remember how much my brother-in-law, Mike, and my sister, Pam, loved each other. They met around the same age that my grandparent's did...their first year of high school. They were playful with each other--often ribbing, always laughing--and they were each others closest friend.

On the same footage we watched at my grandparent's 60th anniversary, there was a clip of Pam at her bridal shower. Almost twenty years in the past, my sister (so painfully alive) pulled out glasses from a wrapped box as Susanne sat beside her, smiling and laughing. They looked at each other, and I saw the connection that makes sisters so much closer than friends. 

When we watched this footage the first time, I cried.

I know when I play it again, I'll cry too.

This would have been Mike's first Valentine's Day without Pam. He just couldn't do it. And I understand.

But how am I to celebrate Valentine's Day this year? How am I to continue after all this?

By remembering them. By remembering the moments we shared, they shared. And by creating my own memories with the people still here, so many people that I deeply love.

These strawberry cream biscuits are made with a few simple ingredients. Flour, cream, fresh berries, a sprinkle of sugar, and salt. They are just slightly sweet, but with nearly 2 cups of cream, each biscuit melts in your mouth.

Thank you for all the words and messages of love and support.

They mean a lot to me (and my family). 

Strawberry Cream Biscuits
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus extra for the counter
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup chopped strawberries

1. Place oven rack in the upper-middle position and preheat oven to 425º. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Stir in 1 1/4 cups of cream with a wooden spoon until a dough forms, about 30 seconds. Add in the strawberries and stir, just slightly, with a wooden spoon.

3. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured counter, leaving behind any flour left in the bottom of the bowl. Use the remaining 1/4 cup of cream to moisten any flour left in the bowl and add to the dough. Gather into a ball and knead for about 30 seconds or until smooth.

4.Using your hands, shape the dough into a 3/4-inch thick circle. Using a 2 1/2-inch floured cutter (or a heart-shaped one!), cut the biscuits into rounds and place on prepared baking sheet. Reshape the dough once to cut additional biscuits. If desired, the baking sheet can be wrapped in plastic and refrigerated for up to 2 hours before baking. Bake biscuits until golden brown, about 15 minutes, making sure to rotate halfway through baking.

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

I've slept more this week than I have in a long time. At least 8 hours each night with a few 2-hour naps when a long afternoon seemed like too much.

The words and thoughts and prayers you sent are like balms on a tender wound.

Thank you.

Ryan and I are okay. We're trying to do the things we love.

For Ryan? He's been swimming and reading and making things like a beautiful pretzel necklace. I'm lucky to have this guy. No doubt about that.

For me? I'm writing and walking and sipping on 3 dollar cups of coffee. And I'm baking, of course.

I baked these whole wheat brown sugar muffins on Saturday, and the aroma of cinnamon and brown sugar made my house feel safe and warm.

Isn't it amazing what a muffin pan can do?

What I love about these muffins is not only the flavors of sweet apples and brown sugar. I appreciate how these muffins make me feel. Not too sweet and full of apples, whole grains, and nuts, these whole wheat brown sugar muffins are good for my body and my soul.

Sitting down with a muffin and a cup of coffee is the right way to start my day. And I don't feel bad when I take an extra one or two for the road.

I cut the sugar back in these whole wheat brown sugar muffins, largely because apples are sweet enough, and I often feel like muffins are more like cake than they should be.

With only 1/3 cup of brown sugar, these muffins are just sweet enough to satisfy my morning cravings.

I also added Chobani Greek yogurt, which paired with a meager 1/4 cup of oil, makes these muffins moist and light.

Greek yogurt can do wonders for baked goods. Not to mention how lovely it tastes just on its own. Give me a bowl of Greek yogurt, a drizzle of honey, some fresh fruit, and I'm one happy girl.

Whole Wheat Brown Sugar Muffins
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs
3/4 cup Chobani Greek Yogurt, Plain
1 cup applesauce
1 apple chopped
1/4 cup chopped pecans

1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease or line a 12-tin muffin pan.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together your dry ingredients--flours, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, whisk together your brown sugar and oil. Add in the vanilla extract. Stir well. Add in the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Stir in the Greek yogurt and applesauce, and mix until smooth.

4. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients, making sure to not overmix your muffin batter. Fold in the apples and chopped pecans.

5. Using an ice-cream scoop (or large spoon), distribute your muffin batter into prepared muffin tins. Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes, or until muffin springs back when touched and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Allow muffins to cool in pan for 5 minutes before removing to a wired rack.

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

I walked through the city with a heavy heart today.

Sipping on a cup of steamed soymilk, I noticed the expressions of the people that walked past me. A smile, a nod, a giggle from a 5-year-old girl.

None of those people knew what their expressed kindness meant to me.

None of those people were aware I had just lost someone in my life... yet again.

Many of you already know that my brother-in-law, Mike Brown, passed away on Monday afternoon.

After learning his wife (my sister) and his youngest son did not survive a car accident that he barely walked away from last March, life became unbearably hard.

Mike took his own life on Monday afternoon.

Two years after we lost Ryan's dad to suicide.

I'm sure many of you wonder why I share this intensely private manner.

Why I'm so willing to put these words (suicide) on a virtual page.

I pondered the same questions as I wandered through downtown Austin.

Why do I feel this need to share?

As I picked through a barrel of oranges, I thought of my nephew, who now must walk forward without a mother, a brother, or a father.

As I ran my finger across a book binding, I thought of my husband, who misses his dad everyday and often wonders if he could have done something more.

And as I watched a young father feeding a jar of baby food to his child, I thought of Mike, who wasn't just Pam's husband or my brother-in-law or Joshua's father.

Mike was a beautifully broken human being--just like all of us. And when one of us dies, the whole world feels it. We all mourn.

Within a few hours of initially sharing the news, I received phone calls, messages, emails, and hugs.

Humans, we join together to mourn, just as we join together to celebrate.

The sight of a baby can bring strangers to a place of laughter, can evoke the memory of a soft cheek and a gentle lullaby.

Just as the word of an untimely death can prick our hearts and stir our souls, no matter how distant that person might be from our daily lives.

Tonight, I know that hundreds, maybe thousands, hold Joshua close to their hearts. I know they mourn the death of a man who lost so much and felt so painfully alone.

Tonight, I remember Mike, who I've known as long as I've been alive. I remember his laughter, his hugs, the way he rolled his eyes, and how he could always make all my sisters laugh. I can hear him call me, "sweetie", and I catalog how endearing it was, and how endearing it still is.

I thank God for the kindness of friends and strangers. I thank God that despite what some might feel we are never truly alone, that we are all connected on levels deeper than we understand.

In the smiles of the people who walked the same congested street today, I saw hope. I felt swallowed in the pulsing and enveloping blanket of life.

So I write to give hope to those who are hurting, to those who have lost someone,  and to all of us (no exception) who will lose someone soon.
 
Amidst sorrow, there is always life. We are intimately connected--the whole human race--and there is a comfort in that. I know.

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

So it seems like I blinked and now half of my friends have the most precious babies.

I mean, weren't we all just in high school?

How did we suddenly become so grown up?

But I love watching these new moms and dads fawn over their little ones. Very endearing, very tempting.

Especially when I found out that my older sister is having her 4th baby in August! Goodness, I really wanted one then.

Ryan and I look definitely forward to having kids...but we also know how life-changing children can be.

Going out to Elizabeth Street Cafe for three hours on a Sunday night? Well, when you have kids, that delightful date takes a  little more planning.

When I think of babies and toddlers, I think of Cheerios. Didn't we all grow up on those nutritious round o's?

To this day, a bowl of cheerios with milk and a sliced banana can cure most ills and certainly make a homesick heart feel a lot better.

I don't know about you, but someone needs to tell General Mills to make a peanut butter version of that quintessential childhood snack. Honey Nut Cheerios are winners, but Peanut Butter Cheerios would be even better.

So while we write letters to the big cereal boss, we'll "settle" for these peanut butter cheerio cookies. Soft and crunchy, sweet and salty. Contrast is what makes good cookies great.

I adapted this recipe from one of Joanne Chang's cookie recipes in her amazing book, Flour. You won't be disappointed. With cheerios and peanut butter involved...how could you?

Peanut Butter Cheerio Cookies
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup (200 grams) granulated sugar
1 cup (220 grams) brown sugar, packed
2 large eggs
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups (455 grams) smooth peanut butter
2 2/3 cups (375 grams) all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp kosher salt
3 cups Cheerios

1. Cream together the butter and sugars on medium speed in a stand mixture fitted with the paddle for almost 5 minutes, or until light and creamy.  On medium speed, beat in eggs and vanilla until well combined, about 2 minutes.  Then beat in the peanut butter on low speed until thoroughly combined, about 2 minutes.

2. In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, baking soda and salt.  On low speed, add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture until all ingredients are just combined and dough is evenly mixed. Stir in the cheerios with a large wooden spoon.

3. Place and seal your cookie dough in an air-tight container and allow to sit in refrigerator  for at least 3 hours.

4. Preheat the oven to 350F.  Drop the cookies in 1 1/2 TBSP sized balls onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. 

5. Bake for 15minutes or until edges are golden brown and the center is still slightly soft.  Remove from the oven and allow to cool on sheet for 5-10 minute before moving them to a wired rack.

Enjoy with a big glass of milk!

Always,
Monet
Anecdotes and Apple Cores

So I didn't wake up yesterday to run around my apartment, snatching up clothes and throwing together a poorly aligned sandwich (you know what I'm talking about...tomatoes are sliding out of one side, a thick glob of mustard pools near the northern crust.)

No, I woke up and went to acupuncture.

RELAXING.

Then, I decided to go to work late.

And when you go to work late, you revel in the freedom of making a less-than-practical choice.

So you make another.

I stopped by Easy Tiger yesterday because I wanted a croissant and a 3 dollar cup of coffee. This bake shop and beer garden has been getting buzz for months...and it finally opened on Monday.

I walked through the doors and saw this....a wall decorated in loaves and pretzels and baguettes.

I ordered. I admired the GORGEOUS bakery--who know ovens could gleam so brightly?-and then I peeled back layer after layer of my perfectly laminated croissant. 

HEAVEN.

What am I doing this week?

Taking quiet moments to sit and think. A cat in your lap is welcome encouragement to rest a little longer.

Baking cakes. Spiderman birthday last Saturday. Wedding cake testing this Saturday. I'm dreaming of buttercream and perfectly flat cake layers.

Learning how to stay alert during mid-afternoon slumps.
-10 minutes of sun.
-A walk
-A cup of ginger tea
-Conversation with mom
-Triscuits with melted cheese

Reading. Always reading. Adoring Karen Russel's book of short stories and praying her mad skills will seep in through the contact of my thumbs with her fantabulous collection.

Do tell me, what is making your week?